I was an old lady sitting in a chair, asking Bella to help me stand up because I literally couldn't. Bella was a woman, she was still living with us and still needed me desperately. The older version of myself felt helpless and hopeless because my body was failing and yet my sweet child (now adult) was still in need of me. Not only in need emotionally, but also physically. She still needed sensory input, still needed to swing and jump. She needed me to pick her up, help her bathe, and change her clothes. My heart broke inside. A solitary tear began to stream down my face as I flashed back to the present. The future was so hopeless. I felt so scared I almost threw up. What is going to happen when I get old? Then the tears really started to flow when my mind allowed me to think of my own death....what will happen when I die? Who will love her like me? Who will watch out for her safety and well being? How will she ever understand the loss of a parent? How will my loss affect her? I ran into the other room at this point gasping for air as if I was about to hyperventilate and found the loving arms of my husband. He silently held me and told me it was going to be ok. His hot tears found my face and we began to pray for her future. Sometimes a prayer is the only way I can cope with my greatest fears.
These are low thoughts, I know. Friends, if you have a child with life-long disability I know you've been in this place, the one I just explained. I often try to push out the thoughts of my death because I begin to panic. My sweet husband often reminds me of the ways in which we will financially provide for her and some of the plans we can make to be sure she is taken care of... but, it's still a very hard topic for me.
GOD'S TRUTHS AMIDST MY FEARS:
Psalm 121:5-8
The Lord watches over you
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The Lord will keep you from all harm
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.
Friends, the Lord created our children and will watch over them forever, long after we are gone. It's a terribly hard and gloriously amazing promise. But to dig even deeper....He created them for a purpose....
Psalm 149:13-14
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
Exodus 4:11
Then the Lord said to him, "Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord?
John 9:2-3 (to read more that I have written regarding special needs parenting and this verse click here)
"His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?"
'Neither this man nor his parents sinned', said Jesus, 'but this happened so that the words of God may be displayed in him".
Here's the hope. Here's the place where you and I can find joy amidst our fears. In the knowledge that God made his creation exactly the way he intended. There was no mistake. He looks at your child with such love and is pleased with them. He will watch over them long after we are able. He will use their imperfections to stretch us, teach us, and mold us into better people. After all, when are we closest to God?...well, it's when we are calling out to him for strength and asking for wisdom. As a special needs parent that is EVERY SECOND...OF EVERYDAY. To God be the glory.
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