Life-long Suffering & Refinement

It's been some of the hardest few months with autism that I can remember....ever.

Two moves full of change, four months of 3am wake-ups, self-harm (she has bruises from punching her own face), elopement, screaming, throwing, flailing, holes in walls, poop on floors, public outbursts, anxiety....the list could go on.  

My poor girl.  It's hard.

I hate saying it's hard for me though because I don't have autism.  I bet it's a million times harder for our Bella to exist with autism than it is for me to be her caregiver?  I am so often told, "Annie, I don't know how you do it?" and  I laugh inside when someone states this, because I utterly fail at motherhood ALL DAY LONG.  Truly, apart from God's endless amounts of mercy and grace, I would be a miserable human who would have to mask my stress through some form of unhealthy physical, mental, or emotional addiction.  It's in the statistics people, special needs parenting (or any other form of life-long or life-altering stress/ailment) can lead down some pretty dark paths. When you go down these dark paths you must find a source of light or  a way to "fill yourself up" so to speak.  So, I get secretly excited when someone gives me seemingly undo "mom-props"  because this is the moment I get share how weak I am and how strong God is! 

If I were to simply lay it out for someone who wanted to know where I find hope in suffering, I'd use the word refinement. I would immediately point to scripture and the way God is spoken of as the "refiners fire".  I would say His fire is painful and often soul shattering but it's worth it in the way it changes us.

John Piper lays it out nicely in speaking of God as a refiner....

"He is a refiner's fire, and that makes all the difference. A refiner's fire does not destroy indiscriminately like a forest fire. A refiner's fire does not consume completely like the fire of an incinerator. A refiner's fire refines. It purifies. It melts down the bar of silver or gold, separates out the impurities that ruin its value, burns them up, and leaves the silver and gold intact...The furnace of affliction in the family of God is always for refinement, never for destruction."

God sends trials to test us, cleanse us, and mold us, yet we are never fully consumed by such trials. His purpose is for His own glory and our delight.  I know that sounds harsh, but God is glorified in the life of a believer when, in the depths of despair they can call out praises to Him.  

I feel as though I am in a constant refinement in this life, and if refinement results in the purification of my heart and my imperfections as a mom, wife, friend, and child of God....then I consider myself extremely fortunate.  What would be truly unfortunate for me (knowing my weaknesses) would be living a life without refinement.  Sure, it would seem easier ...but it would also result in my pride and selfishness being allowed to ignite and flourish within me.  I would be so ugly inside.

In the last few months I have had these thoughts and God has swiftly spoken back to my heart:

"This is hard..."  God- Consider it pure joy that this trial points you to Me child.

"This is our life forever isn't it?"... God- I know the plans I have for you...plans to give you hope...

"Why is it so hard right now?"... God- The testing of your faith produces endurance...

"This will pass right?" God- I am with you always....

I know many of you reading this are struggling.  I know this because I have cried with you and prayed for you.  What I will say is this.....I genuinely hope you are experiencing God's refinement right now my friends ....because the result is a beautiful, soul-satisfying life in Christ.  Without God, finding hope in suffering is like using buckets to bail yourself out a boat with a gaping hole in it....sure there are moments where you feel like "I got this" but ultimately you are still sinking.

1 Peter 5:10

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to this eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you"

If you need Christ in your life or simply prayer, please let me know!  I suffer along side you friend.

In Christ,

Annie

**Note: as I was writing this, Bella escaped our home out front door in her undies (it's 30 degrees out) and tried to go inside a neighbors home (we don't know them and I'm certain they would be shocked by the sight of my half naked 9 year old at their door). Alas, I caught her, and all is well...** 

**and people wonder why I'm a tad cray-cray

** he, he

Clinging to Sinking Sand: Disability in the Hardest Moments

The other day I rubbed my eyes desperately as I realized that I was falling asleep on the mothering job:)  I was sitting down on the couch to quick eat my lunch and had dozed off in the sitting position. I wondered to myself "Why are you so exhausted?".  After all, I had lessons to plan for work, a house to clean, a three year old who wanted to play horsey, and in an hour I needed to pick up the other one.
Then I remembered (as if I had forced it out of thought), that I had been awoken for the fifth day in a row by our sweet Bella at 3 am.  Autism sleep patterns are hard.

...."What was that?" I think to myself..."No it can't be her?"
...."Maybe it was just a thump?"  Nope, she's awake....and it's 3 am again.  She pounds at her door to be opened because it is locked for her safety at night.  We lock it because she has escaped the home before and we couldn't sleep knowing what an escape could mean if we were asleep.

.... She is laughing hysterically, asking for her iPad.  She will not fall back to sleep no matter what I give her, I know that from years of this.....I give in, I let her have her iPad, and try to lay back down...but she tries to escape every half-hour until I finally open her door and sit with her (this is the usual scenario).  She's done this on and off since she was born (not sleeping), but some stretches are harder and longer than others.

A few nights ago,  I was so tired from the numerous days of waking up that I didn't hear her pounding.

I woke up panicked when she started kicking at her door and I sprinted sleeplessly to her room.  I walked in and she was laughing (as usual) but....something was different... it smelled terrible.  My heart sank as I looked at my feet and found poop all over the floor (in numerous locations).  She had pooped herself.  She wasn't embarrassed and she truly thought it was funny.   I looked at it and felt angry and sad all at the same time.  I raised my voice and asked her "Why would you do this?"....she responded by saying "iPad" and laughed again.  I'm angry....angry because she still wears diapers to sleep and she's eight.... angry because she has no understanding of self-care or that pooping on the floor is not normal.....angry because she's eight and cannot exist in the same way as a typical child.  Just so angry. But even more....I am so very sad. Sad that I failed to wake up for her.  Sad because she couldn't get out and I didn't help her. Sad because I can't fix autism.  It's vicious.... this guilt I carry as a special needs mom.

....I cried as I scrubbed the floor at 3 am trying not to wake my three year old or my husband with my sobs and gags from the smell.  "This is my life" I selfishly said to myself in my heart and...."so unfair".

It is amazing, however, how God can graciously correct my hearts perception.  If it seems like I speak about disability often, it's because God speaks to me through it.  He gave me this hymn as I tearfully existed this last week scrubbing fecal matter off the floor:

"My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus love and righteousness...
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus name.
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand...
...all other ground is sinking sand."

This is a hymn written in 1834 which resounds in my heart today....

How dare I attempt to rely on anything but Christ as my rock.  Nothing this life has to offer (even the most beautiful things), can satisfy my thirsty soul.  When selfishness, sadness, and despair creep in and I am tempted to ask God why, He reminds me of the why.... and the answer is always..... for His glory.

God did not make a mistake with Bella.  He did not mess up.  He knew she was for us and that through her I would need more of Him.  For this I am desperately thankful.

He has graced me to be a special needs mom and continues to remind me that my child is a precious gift.  It's a beautiful and painful existence as a Christian special needs parent.  Beautiful, because the embodiment of Christ's love for us must exist between me and my daughter at all times.  In the way that I love her, Christ loves us despite our inability to reciprocate that love back to Him perfectly.... He understands our needs although we cannot express them.

....He is always present.
....He is sacrificial.
....He is selfless.
....His love never fails.
....He is my solid rock

I look at the way God loves me and desire to love Bella and others in this manner.  I am reminded that every "other thing" is sinking sand apart from Christ who is my rock:)

Matthew 7:24-27
24 “Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. 25 Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. 26 But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. 27 When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.”

Motherhood & Grace

Motherhood...

...it's one of the most amazing experiences any human could ever have.  Only God could have dreamt up the miracle that is pregnancy.  He created us mom's with everything we need to sustain life within us, yet he also grants us the grace to nurture our little sinful humans outside the womb....physically, mentally, and spiritually... it's beautiful....and so, so very hard.  I believe this nurturing spirit is also present within those mommies who can't carry their own, and have adopted :)

Motherhood has blessed me in ways I cannot even put into words.  I've never loved anything more passionately than my children.  I would literally give my life for them, in fact I realized today that I truly do lay down my life (my wants, desires, needs) for my children.  It makes me look up and want to thank Christ for the way he laid down his life for me.  I want to love my kids like Christ loves me, every day.  It's so very hard to accomplish though, mostly because I feel that Satan tries to target us when we are down...when we are tired...when we fail and think we are inadequate.  He whispers, "You're no good at this"  OR  "Look at that mom, she has it together"

In fact, I feel like we moms fall into the "comparison trap" all the time. Here's a very real example that happened to me last week:

My sweet Bella has been regressing in anxiety and behaviors of late and become extremely physical and volatile.  If you look at her face you will see bruises from her hitting herself out of frustration.  I've prayed through tears that God would ease her pain and that I would have extra reserves of patience and love towards her in the mean time.  Well on Friday, after a morning of tantrums which left ME with actual marks on MY body, I tried to hold my chin up (like we moms do so often).  I packed lunches, cleaned the house for showing, did laundry, dressed my kids and myself, and headed to drop the first kid off.  When we arrived in Addie's class, her teacher had moved the classroom around (which was a change for Bella and meant she couldn't locate her favorite doll).  It was the big mother's day event that morning, so all of the preK moms were in the class waiting to watch the performance (many who I'd never met....who didn't know Bella has autism).  I saw a big meltdown coming over the room change and did my best to calm Bella so we could sneak off quietly...

...nope....
.....bookcases were overturned, toys flying in the air, screams, and kids getting hurt. EVERY SINGLE MOM was looking at me wondering why my 8 year old was acting this way.  I finally calmed her down, got out of the room, and as I held back a tear whispered an apology to Addie's teacher (who had just cleaned the whole class to welcome the moms).  I was embarrassed, tired, I wanted to cry... but I didn't have time because Bella needed to get to school.  Well,  here's where the interesting mommy comparisons took place...

...while I was feeling frustrated, sad, and inadequate I pull up to Bella's school, drop her off and hear a mom say to her husband (as I walked away), "Look at her honey, she's the one I was talking about, she has it together and always looks nice, I could never be like her"

....I wanted to turn around and shake her sweet face and yell...

"NO! Don't get sucked into appearances fellow mommy! If you could walk in my shoes this morning....if you could see the scratch marks on my back from today's tantrum...if you could look into my hurting heart and see that it is by God's grace (and some lipstick) that I smile and seem "put together".  Just because I curled my hair today, doesn't mean my life is perfect or you want to be like me... believe me!"

I didn't say any of that but I wanted to.....

I drove back to Addie's school for her performance and asked God why?  Why do you allow motherhood to be hard? Why can't I seem to fix my kids?  God clearly heard me, because I walked into Addie's classroom and got pulled aside by a mom who went on and on to described how my calm interaction with Bella during "the bookcase episode" touched her heart.  She saw deeper beyond my red lipstick and appearances.   I was able to explain to her how any goodness (whatsoever ) that was within me as a mom ... flows from Christ!  I thanked her for sharing with me because it was a testimony of God hearing me ask "why".  It's as if he answered "This hardship is for my glory sweet child".

So today on Mother's Day, as my sweet husband is deployed and my girls play around the house, I thank God for using motherhood to teach me more about Him and his goodness and grace.

Ladies, lets give ourselves a break today.  Lets look beyond the pictures we see on Facebook or Instagram that seem so "perfect" and start digging deeper into ways we can reflect Christ to others through our struggle. I fail at this so often, but I know that God gave me my children on loan. He created them and loves them more than I ever could!

With love,

a mommy

He Makes All Things Beautiful

Have you ever prayed for fresh perspective, or what I would call "a refreshing from the Holy Spirit"? It's a prayer I pray often in life because for some reason, I need constant reminding.  I'm simply imperfect in the way I love others and more importantly, the way I love God.  I find myself begging God to allow his Spirit to fall afresh on my heart and incline it towards Him in all I do.  This spans all aspects of my life...family, friends, God, and even my children.  Sometimes we need a fresh perspective....a holy outlook...a new love for our spouses, a more patient and hopeful love towards our children, or even a more passionate love for God's word as we combat the hardships of life.

God allowed me a moment of perspective today on behalf of Bella.  He must have known I needed it. I've actually had a few dreams where I wake up with actual tears on my face from sleepy sorrows. In these "nightmares" I am in my 80's and Bella is in her 50's.  She still has autism and in a few of the dreams I am so old I cannot save her from escaping the house because I can't run.  Clearly I have an unhealthy fear of her future as I believe dreams weave deep into our subconscious.

The perspective for me came from a trip to the store.  As I'm walking the isles I hear a faint groaning. I immediately know what it is because my Bella makes those noises.  I know that it comes from someone with a disability.  Instead of gawking (as many do) I smile in my heart as I see a mother of a disabled adult boy sweetly holding his hand, guiding him through the isles.  He is humming and slobbering and I hear her singing along as she gently wipes the spit from his mouth.  I had to hold back the tears because God moved me just then.  He opened my eyes to see the beauty between that mother and her disabled adult/child.  He wanted to show me it would be ok....because God gave me a unique gift, Bella.  I walked out of the store and my soul was filled as God proclaimed: "I am Bella's God and your life will be more beautiful because of her".  At that moment I honestly felt jealous of the mother and wished I had Bella at my side....instead of dreading another embarrassing outing where she screams or tantrums....I was being refreshed and reminded, God is so good and her presence is soul filling for me.  I came home, gave Bella a hug and as I looked on the wall I noticed a verse I have hanging....

Ecclesiastes 3:11 "He has made everything beautiful in its time..."

My life as a special needs mother is a beautiful journey, not because it's easy.... but because God has a plan.  He is making everything beautiful each day. He is refreshing my heart each minute and turning it towards His ways.  If you are reading this and your heart is empty towards Christ, ask him for refreshment.  He has a plan...his timing is not ours...he makes all things beautiful, even the hard things.

Annie