The other night while I was
Yes, sweet Bells had an accident on the floor... then, out of concern, she had tried to clean it by using the shower curtain, my towels, her hands, and even her mouth. Once I caught her, I mustered up enough motherly-mercy (despite my frustration at the present situation) to look into Bella's sweet eyes and tell her that I loved her and that it was ok. Yes, it really was ok. I was going be ok, she was going to be ok.... despite the lingering smell on my hands no matter how hard I scrubbed. She didn't mean to do it, she doesn't mean to do a lot of things 7 year olds shouldn't do, she has autism.
Parenting a child with a disability is challenging. I am usually unfazed by the out workings of autism, but some days are harder. On this day we had company coming, I had places to be, things to do, and I didn't have time to scrub fecal matter off the walls. In an instant I allowed selfish, unloving, and sinful thoughts into my heart. As Bella walked off I audibly mumbled "Nice, a 2 year old and 7 year old in diapers...this is so ridiculous" as if I knew God could hear me. Oh and Bella could literally hear me, and although she doesn't respond like other kids, her poor little heart must break at my reaction to her sometimes:(
I realized something this week. When I respond to autism in this manner (with selfishness, anger, resentment) it boils down to one thing: unbelief.
In the Bible, God talks constantly about belief....belief that Jesus Christ is sufficient and can do all things. When I allow sinful thoughts about my daughter and her disability into my heart, I am calling into question God's promises in her life. That he created her for a purpose, and that purpose is being revealed daily....even as I scrub poop off the walls.
Mark 9:21-24 talks about unbelief. In this passage a boy (from childhood) had been convulsing, his body was completely out of control and his father mourned for him believing him to be possessed by an evil spirit. Then Jesus steps in and reminds him to believe...
21 Jesus asked the boy’s father, “How long has he been like this?”
“From childhood,” he answered.
22 “It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”
23 “‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for one who believes.”
24 Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
The next few verses explain how Jesus (in his perfect mercy) chooses to heal the boy.
What hit me in this passage was when the father says to Jesus, "But if you can do anything...help us" and Jesus responds with .... "If you can?" (He's probably like, 'really dude, I created the universe, I'm pretty sure I can').
I don't often pray for complete healing of autism because I know it's a life-long disability. But why not? Jesus continues in the next verses and says, "Everything is possible for one who believes"....and he did many miraculous healings in the Bible. In fact, whenever Jesus came across the results of sin (sickness, death, possession, blindness, lameness ect), He healed it. It's as if he couldn't resist restoring from sin, washing things clean, helping the blind see and the lame walk...
...could He do this for Bella? Should I believe? Yes I should. If I pray and truly believe, does that mean Bella will be cured of autism today, tomorrow, 20 years from now....maybe, and maybe not. One thing I do know is that I believe all things are possible in Christ. Think about it this way.... If you have a loved one who has died (even after your constant prayers for healing) does that mean God isn't sufficient and maybe we just "didn't believe"? No it doesn't! He created all things for His glory and for His purposes. He numbers our days. He is still sufficient when healing doesn't take place because the ultimate healing has already taken place. Jesus Christ. He came and died on the cross for sin. That my friends was the ultimate healing. That is something you should believe in!
So, I will continue to pray for Bella's healing and I do believe that all things are possible in Christ. My hope and joy in life come from Christ who died to heal me .... and Bella ... of the sin that corrupts us. After researching Biblical truths about salvation and disability, I believe Bella is already a part of God's kingdom as she has not yet been able to fully comprehend salvation. She has a heavenly body awaiting her that is even more beautiful than the one on earth (if that's possible) -- one without autism. To God be the glory. I do believe Lord....continue to help my unbelief.
How can she be 7? She was just 2. I am thrilled but also so sad that it has been that long. I am so glad you blog so I can "see" her, "watch" her grow. Your daughter has touched my heart in a way that only she can. Wish I could throw her up in the air, spin her around, dunk her in some water, anything... Thank you for blogging Annie.
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