Have you ever prayed for fresh perspective, or what I would call "a refreshing from the Holy Spirit"? It's a prayer I pray often in life because for some reason, I need constant reminding. I'm simply imperfect in the way I love others and more importantly, the way I love God. I find myself begging God to allow his Spirit to fall afresh on my heart and incline it towards Him in all I do. This spans all aspects of my life...family, friends, God, and even my children. Sometimes we need a fresh perspective....a holy outlook...a new love for our spouses, a more patient and hopeful love towards our children, or even a more passionate love for God's word as we combat the hardships of life.
God allowed me a moment of perspective today on behalf of Bella. He must have known I needed it. I've actually had a few dreams where I wake up with actual tears on my face from sleepy sorrows. In these "nightmares" I am in my 80's and Bella is in her 50's. She still has autism and in a few of the dreams I am so old I cannot save her from escaping the house because I can't run. Clearly I have an unhealthy fear of her future as I believe dreams weave deep into our subconscious.
The perspective for me came from a trip to the store. As I'm walking the isles I hear a faint groaning. I immediately know what it is because my Bella makes those noises. I know that it comes from someone with a disability. Instead of gawking (as many do) I smile in my heart as I see a mother of a disabled adult boy sweetly holding his hand, guiding him through the isles. He is humming and slobbering and I hear her singing along as she gently wipes the spit from his mouth. I had to hold back the tears because God moved me just then. He opened my eyes to see the beauty between that mother and her disabled adult/child. He wanted to show me it would be ok....because God gave me a unique gift, Bella. I walked out of the store and my soul was filled as God proclaimed: "I am Bella's God and your life will be more beautiful because of her". At that moment I honestly felt jealous of the mother and wished I had Bella at my side....instead of dreading another embarrassing outing where she screams or tantrums....I was being refreshed and reminded, God is so good and her presence is soul filling for me. I came home, gave Bella a hug and as I looked on the wall I noticed a verse I have hanging....
Ecclesiastes 3:11 "He has made everything beautiful in its time..."
My life as a special needs mother is a beautiful journey, not because it's easy.... but because God has a plan. He is making everything beautiful each day. He is refreshing my heart each minute and turning it towards His ways. If you are reading this and your heart is empty towards Christ, ask him for refreshment. He has a plan...his timing is not ours...he makes all things beautiful, even the hard things.
Annie
