Have you ever begged God to answer a prayer and He simply didn't. Have you pleaded and cried and wondered if He cared at all? Have you asked God "why?" and "how long?" knowing that at any moment he could grant you your request...but he doesn't? If the answer is yes, then know that you are in good company. I know many of you reading this have struggles that far exceed mine and I want to speak to you today and give you hope. You see, for two years I've prayed the same prayer without an answer and today I want to share something beautiful that happened to my heart along the way.... and how the answer finally came.
2 YEARS OF PRAYER
First, let me back up a bit.....for the last two years I've asked God for something and it seemed like a simple request, it was a prayer for sleep. You see, two years ago when we moved to Virginia Beach, on the very first night, Bella JUST STOPPED SLEEPING. She has autism, so we have had bouts of sleepless nights before but, after one year passed....we realized that sleep was simply not happening anymore for her. We would put her to bed at 9pm and she would wake up from 12am-6am. You can imagine the challenges of getting to school and work on time with a nocturnal child...she was exhausted, and so were we! At night she would wake up and sometimes she was happy and singing (so loud it kept us all awake), and other times she was angry and violent (throwing things through walls, pooping on the floors, screaming for hours). This picture below is a hole in her wall (one of many marks made during angry tantrums in the middle of the night). I remember looking at this hole at 2am one night and thinking it was a good representation of my heart at that moment. So empty.
Did we try to help her sleep you ask? Yes....we tried everything! We changed her diet, gave her melatonin, adjusted technology usage, tried natural supplements, essential oils, and even medication. Literally, NOTHING worked. I began losing so much sleep that I would break toes, run into walls, and fall asleep driving. My brain was not functioning at full capacity. There were MANY nights when I would awaken and just weep...because I had BEGGED God for sleep and my request had not been granted! I fought against anger often...but God was always faithful to remind me that He saw me.
GOD BEGINS TO WORK IN MY HEART
I knew He was working in my heart, there was no doubt. I felt God's presence so vividly at night (even when I was angry). Nights began to become "my time with God". He would speak truth into my soul and sometimes even place names and visions of individuals who needed prayer into my mind. I started spending more time with God at 2am than I ever would have before sleeplessness happened. I actually began studying prayer and how important it is in our relationship with God. I learned that the Trinity (The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) are in a divinely beautiful conversation when we pray. It works like this.....the Holy Spirit speaks on behalf of our hearts when we don't know what to say (or are simply too weak to utter words), the Son (Jesus) intercedes on our behalf to the Father (because He was one of us, the one who allowed us to be called God's children), and the Father (God) delights to hear our requests and acts according to His will for our eternal good. Isn't that beautiful? I never imagined that my quiet whispers to God in the middle of the night were so important to Him.
I finally began sharing our struggle (yes, it was Josh's too, he struggled along-side me) with my family, precious girlfriends, our sweet pastor, and our church family. I shared with them that we had faith that could move mountains about so many things...... but sleep was simply not one of them. I almost couldn't pray about it anymore. So, being the hands and feet of Christ, my girlfriends came to my home and we all sat on Bella's bed and begged God collectively for sleep. Their prayers on our behalf reminded me Moses, Aaron & the Israelites in Exodus. The Israelites were in a battle and Moses was their leader....when he lifted up his arms they prevailed against their enemy but when his arms grew weary they began to lose the battle..... so Aaron came alongside Moses and lifted up his arms in victory.... and the Israelites prevailed! I could cry thinking of that imagery and the women who sat around me lifting my arms up in a battle cry over Bella's sleep. They gave me strength through their prayers and reminded me of God's faithfulness regardless of my weakness.
Praying God's Will Be Done (is hard)
I read something about prayer that I wanted to share with all of you weary souls wondering if God hears your requests....it said, "It is correct to think of all God's answers to our prayers as Yes" or "Let me give you something better" because of the intercession of the Spirit, who takes our prayers and molds them to match the will of God" (Megan Hill, Praying Together). But Annie, what if God's will seems to be the hard thing? I struggled with that too friend......I mean, is it God's will that I NEVER sleep? Or maybe you wonder.... Is it God's will that I suffer with this illness? Is it God's will that I never conceive a child? Is it God's will that I lose this child? Is it God's will that my husband left me? Is it God's will that.....the list could go on endlessly.
I sought the answer to this too and the Bible plainly tells us in 1 Thess. 4, "For this is the will of God, your sanctification...". Sanctification? What is that? Well, it is a big word that simply means becoming more like Jesus. So, I pondered......was two years without sleep God's will for me as a part of my sanctification (something molding me to be more like Jesus). I can tell you now that it was! In the last two years I have been so hungry for God's word, I simply cannot get enough of it. It is living water for my parched soul. I remember asking God a couple of years ago to help me hunger for His word, but I never imagined this is how he would answer me! I wouldn't change it though (ok maybe a few more nights of sleep). In these last two years, I have studied God's character and found Him to be a good and loving Father. He is full of endless amounts power, grace, goodness, forgiveness, justice, and hope....and I found that his will and timing are indeed perfect (even when it seems hard) in the way they mold us to be like Jesus.
I am happy to share with you today that Bella began sleeping through the night a few weeks ago?! God reset her sleep finally. I want to SCREAM IT FROM THE MOUNTAIN TOPS! Two years of prayer later, and she's sleeping so soundly that we have to wake her up in the morning! I mean it's a miracle ....and every morning when I wake up, I thank God for sleep. Bella is so much happier.... and our souls have been truly sanctified in this process. Josh and I have come out stronger and our faith renewed. To God be the glory for great things He has done through this hardship.
Now reader I beg you....go and and talk to God. Don't lose heart. He is a good Father. Allow Him to do His work in molding you to be like Jesus. When you grow weary, go the the Word.... then tell a friend, family member, or pastor so they can lift up your arms in the battle. Oh and please tell me how I can pray for you, it would be my honor!
Love you all,
Annie
