I Am Not Sorry...I'm Lucky.

     Someone asked me the other day about Bella and when I told them she was diagnosed with moderate/severe autism, the first thing they said (with that sad look they always give me) was, "I'm so sorry".  I actually love when people say this to me because it allows for me to share the hope and joy that can only be found in Christ through hardship.

I usually respond with...

"Oh please don't say sorry, because she's beautiful inside and out!  You see she was God's unique gift to me.  I am an imperfect person. God knew that I would need a daily reminder of Him in my life to break my pride, help me fight for joy, and always seek His strength...so he gave me the most beautiful gift, my Bella".

Then I usually continue on.....

Without autism, I know I would be someone different, a lesser version of myself.  I would be more selfish as my life would seemingly be easier and my focus on worldly "things" which are dust.  I would be more prideful as my family would be "perfect" (I know I would have been the mom who would brag and compare, and I'm thankful I'm not).  I have learned to be more merciful to others and gracious to those who are hurting....because I know what it feels like.  So really, I feel like God looked at the path I was following (the wide and easy one) and placed Bella in it....changing my direction, forcing me to walk the narrow and hard path....the one that leads to Him.

What greater gift could a human ask for?

Last night at 2 am I heard some familiar giggles.  As I struggled to open my eyes, I felt as though  I was dreaming and rolled over hoping that was the case.  Although I knew in my heart it was not a dream.  It was our Bella and she awoke for the day, at 2am.  It's something she's done since she was little and something she may do her whole life due to her autism.  People with autism don't produce melatonin (what naturally helps us sleep) properly.  We are so used to her sleep patterns here, it's no longer a topic of discussion....it's just a day for stronger coffee.  So yes, I was awake at 2am like a mother with a newborn, but sometimes at night....on those nights....I lay in bed and ponder with God, a quiet time alone that I wouldn't have had otherwise.  Some nights I pray, some nights I'm angry and cry, some nights I just fall back to sleep.  But God knows my struggle.

Autism is a uniquely challenging diagnosis.  It is hard to understand and frankly, if I could get inside my daughters body for even 5 minutes, to feel what it's like, I think my perspectives would be enlightened and my patience for her increased.  To have a 7 year old still in diapers at night who (in some way) needs help cleaning, bathing, using the restroom, eating, crossing the street, ect is something that I have learned to not only accept but seek to find joy through.  I desire to serve her and pray to do so every day of my life ...the way Christ serves me.   Unselfishly and full of grace.

I am so lucky and so thankful.  I am not sorry to be her mom.  She is a literally gift from God.  True, there are days where I waiver, complain, and question God's faith in me as her mom but, in the end I know she was given to me with divine intentions.

REGARDING THE DAILY STRUGGLE...
2 Corinthians 4:17 "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all"

REGARDING GOD'S DIVINE GIFT OF AUTISM....
Exodus 4:11  "The Lord said to him, 'who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord?"

REGARDING JOY IN AUTISM....
James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything".


In Christ,

Annie