The Virus of Fear: The Remedy of Faith

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Dear Reader,

You may not know this but you and I are intricately connected at this moment, probably more than we ever have been or will be again. We sit at home, surrounded by those we love wondering what the next day, month, or even year may hold for us all. An unwelcome guest entered our homes like a thief in the night and seems to have stolen everything we cherish and enjoy. COVID 19, I can confidently say we all wish you never existed. We close our eyes at night and hope this was all a terrible dream. We wake up and realize it simply wasn't, and we are forced to muster up the strength to get out of bed. We turn on the news and see schools closing, parks closing, and whole states locking down. We talk to friends who are forced to cancel their weddings, graduations, vacations, and other precious events. As the days roll on and the news becomes more ominous, we slowly let fear creep in and paralyze us. The crazy thing about fear is, that it acts like a virus within our hearts.  We often don't know it exists until it starts to affect everything about us...we get weak, we lose our faith, our trust, and mostly our joy. The difference between the virus that plagues our world today and the virus of fear that plagues our hearts is that... 

...Fear has a proven remedy, and it's Faith.

We have to fight against fear today my friends. We cannot effectively live life while also being paralyzed by the unknown. We have to wake up as if we are at war, and instead of mustering up our own strength to fight, we have to put on the armor God gives us. We must hold firm to the shield of faith to protect us from the weight of this world and the worry that is flying towards us relentlessly. We must pick up the sword of the spirit, the Bible, and start swinging like your life depends on it because it does.  We must be like warriors today. We have got to fight fear with faith.

Fear is a conversation with yourself about things you cannot control.Faith is a conversation with God about things He can control.

Faith tells us that no matter what lies ahead of us, God is already there and in full control of the outcome.  Faith reminds us that we will never suffer beyond God's ability to save us or make us more like him. Faith proclaims Jesus conquered sickness and death on the cross for all time! Tim Keller says it well, 

“Jesus lost all his glory so that we could be clothed in it. He was shut out so we could get access. He was bound, nailed, so that we could be free. He was cast out so we could approach. And Jesus took away the only kind of suffering that can really destroy you: that is being cast away from God. He took that so that now all suffering that comes into your life will only make you great. A lump of coal under pressure becomes a diamond. And the suffering of a person in Christ only turns you into somebody gorgeous.”

Ecclesiastes 3:11

"Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end."

The truth is, COVID 19 will end.  When it does, though the pain and loss will be devastating, HE will do the unthinkable and somehow make it all right.  He will have stripped us of all the good and beautiful things we tend to worship in place of Him (work, school, music, money, recreation, parks, restaurants, travel, weddings, births....the list is endless) and allow us to be singularly focused on Him.  HE WILL MAKE EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL IN HIS PERFECT TIMING. He will re-plant eternity in our hearts and draw us to Himself again.  He is more near to us today than he was before COVID 19 was in existence, and for that (though I shed tears of sorrow for losing all of the beautiful things in life for a time) I am thankful.

Lastly, remember Christ never turns from suffering, He moves toward it.  On the darkest day in Jesus' life, he didn't give up on us and was hung on that cross for our sins, so don't think for one second he will leave us in our darkest days now:)

Much love and lots of stir crazy,

Annie 

When God Says "Not Yet", Let Me Give You Something Better

Friends,

Have you ever begged God to answer a prayer and He simply didn't.  Have you pleaded and cried and wondered if He cared at all?  Have you asked God "why?" and "how long?" knowing that at any moment he could grant you your request...but he doesn't?  If the answer is yes, then know that you are in good company.  I know many of you reading this have struggles that far exceed mine and I want to speak to you today and give you hope. You see, for two years I've prayed the same prayer without an answer and today I want to share something beautiful that happened to my heart along the way.... and how the answer finally came.

2 YEARS OF PRAYER
First, let me back up a bit.....for the last two years I've asked God for something and it seemed like a simple request, it was a prayer for sleep. You see, two years ago when we moved to Virginia Beach, on the very first night, Bella JUST STOPPED SLEEPING.  She has autism, so we have had bouts of sleepless nights before but, after one year passed....we realized that sleep was simply not happening anymore for her.  We would put her to bed at 9pm and she would wake up from 12am-6am.  You can imagine the challenges of getting to school and work on time with a nocturnal child...she was exhausted, and so were we! At night she would wake up and sometimes she was happy and singing (so loud it kept us all awake), and other times she was angry and violent (throwing things through walls, pooping on the floors, screaming for hours).  This picture below is a hole in her wall (one of many marks made during angry tantrums in the middle of the night).  I remember looking at this hole at 2am one night and thinking it was a good representation of my heart at that moment.  So empty.


Did we try to help her sleep you ask? Yes....we tried everything! We changed her diet, gave her melatonin, adjusted technology usage,  tried natural supplements, essential oils, and even medication. Literally, NOTHING worked.   I began losing so much sleep that I would break toes, run into walls, and fall asleep driving.  My brain was not functioning at full capacity. There were MANY nights when I would awaken and just weep...because I had BEGGED God for sleep and my request had not been granted! I fought against anger often...but God was always faithful to remind me that He saw me.

GOD BEGINS TO WORK IN MY HEART
I knew He was working in my heart, there was no doubt. I felt God's presence so vividly at night (even when I was angry).  Nights began to become "my time with God".  He would speak truth into my soul and sometimes even place names and visions of individuals who needed prayer into my mind.  I started spending more time with God at 2am than I ever would have before sleeplessness happened.  I actually began studying prayer and how important it is in our relationship with God.  I learned that the Trinity (The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) are in a divinely beautiful conversation when we pray.  It works like this.....the Holy Spirit speaks on behalf of our hearts when we don't know what to say (or are simply too weak to utter words), the Son (Jesus) intercedes on our behalf to the Father (because He was one of us, the one who allowed us to be called God's children), and the Father (God) delights to hear our requests and acts according to His will for our eternal good.  Isn't that beautiful? I never imagined that my quiet whispers to God in the middle of the night were so important to Him.

I finally began sharing our struggle (yes, it was Josh's too, he struggled along-side me) with my family, precious girlfriends, our sweet pastor, and our church family.  I shared with them that we had faith that could move mountains about so many things...... but sleep was simply not one of them. I almost couldn't pray about it anymore.  So, being the hands and feet of Christ, my girlfriends came to my home and we all sat on Bella's bed and begged God collectively for sleep.  Their prayers on our behalf reminded me Moses, Aaron & the Israelites in Exodus.  The Israelites were in a battle and Moses was their leader....when he lifted up his arms they prevailed against their enemy but when his arms grew weary they began to lose the battle..... so Aaron came alongside Moses and lifted up his arms in victory.... and the Israelites prevailed!  I could cry thinking of that imagery and the women who sat around me lifting my arms up in a battle cry over Bella's sleep.  They gave me strength through their prayers and reminded me of God's faithfulness regardless of my weakness.

Praying God's Will Be Done (is hard)
I read something about prayer that I wanted to share with all of you weary souls wondering if God hears your requests....it said, "It is correct to think of all God's answers to our prayers as Yes" or "Let me give you something better" because of the intercession of the Spirit, who takes our prayers and molds them to match the will of God" (Megan Hill,  Praying Together).  But Annie, what if God's will seems to be the hard thing? I struggled with that too friend......I mean, is it God's will that I NEVER sleep? Or maybe you wonder.... Is it God's will that I suffer with this illness? Is it God's will that I never conceive a child? Is it God's will that I lose this child? Is it God's will that my husband left me? Is it God's will that.....the list could go on endlessly.

I sought the answer to this too and the Bible plainly tells us in 1 Thess. 4, "For this is the will of God, your sanctification...".  Sanctification? What is that? Well, it is a big word that simply means becoming more like Jesus.  So, I pondered......was two years without sleep God's will for me as a part of my sanctification (something molding me to be more like Jesus).  I can tell you now that it was! In the last two years I have been so hungry for God's word, I simply cannot get enough of it.  It is living water for my parched soul.  I remember asking God a couple of years ago to help me hunger for His word, but I never imagined this is how he would answer me! I wouldn't change it though (ok maybe a few more nights of sleep).  In these last two years, I have studied God's character and found Him to be a good and loving Father.  He is full of endless amounts power,  grace, goodness, forgiveness, justice, and hope....and I found that his will and timing are indeed perfect (even when it seems hard) in the way they mold us to be like Jesus.

I am happy to share with you today that Bella began sleeping through the night a few weeks ago?! God reset her sleep finally.  I want to SCREAM IT FROM THE MOUNTAIN TOPS!  Two years of prayer later, and she's sleeping so soundly that we have to wake her up in the morning! I mean it's a miracle ....and every morning when I wake up,  I thank God for sleep.  Bella is so much happier.... and our souls have been truly sanctified in this process.  Josh and I have come out stronger and our faith renewed.  To God be the glory for great things He has done through this hardship.

Now reader I beg you....go and and talk to God.  Don't lose heart.  He is a good Father.  Allow Him to do His work in molding you to be like Jesus. When you grow weary, go the the Word.... then tell a friend, family member, or pastor so they can lift up your arms in the battle. Oh and please tell me how I can pray for you, it would be my honor!

Love you all,

Annie

A Thousand Times

I sit by the bathtub.  In the same spot I always sit (right next to the tub on the cold floor).  It's bath time for my Bella and she often tries to jump out naked and run through the house wet or dump all of the shampoos so...I'm on duty:)

Remember the way you used to watch your infant as they soaked in the bath, conscious of the water level, the temperature, and the amount of shampoo or soap they had access to (as they may dump or drink it)....that's me, with my precious nine year old who has autism. I left the room the other day and she had turned the water so hot that her skin had turned purple, but she didn't make a sound and just sat there motionless as I frantically scooped her out burning my hands in the process.

....I grab the soap, and demonstrate how to put it on a washcloth and lather.  I place it into my child's hands and she looks confused.  I show her how to clean herself and she tries to copy, but doesn't understand the concept.  Soon, she begins to sing her favorite song and drops the wash cloth into the water washing all the soap off.

....I lather my hands with shampoo and conditioner and place them into her hands.  I demonstrate how to move her hands around her head so the lather reaches every surface.  I then place a bit into her hands to see what she does...she pats her head once and begins to laugh then dumps all of shampoo from the bottle into the water as she sings the same song as before and looks off into space.

....she is 9, and we have done this a thousand times, and never yet succeeded.  But tonight it didn't make me sad or disappointed.  I looked at her happy little face as she sang her favorite song and was thankful for her joy.  Weird I know.

It's so strange how God can fill me with little deposits of joy in times where I know I should be tired or broken from seemingly repeated failures.  I often feel completely lost as to how to help my daughter care for herself.  The statistics don't lie, she will outlive me.  The thought of this is too overwhelming to continue discussing.  It's why we have tried a THOUSANDS TIMES to get bath time right.  I want to break through the barriers of autism so that I can control the outcome.  So that my child can grow to have ANY FORM of self sufficiency.  I want this for her future and for my tormented momma heart.  Friends.... I simply can't control autism and I feel like God keeps placing Psalm 139 in front of me as a precious reminder of His plan for me and my family.

I have highlighted the parts of this passage below that shout to my soul.

I could cry.

We are so loved.  Bella included....

Psalm 139

Search Me, O God, and Know My Heart

O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is high; I cannot attain it.

7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
    If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.

13 For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a]
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
    I awake, and I am still with you.

I mean, I feel like God is fighting for my heart to turn towards His truth as he speaks to my heart....

"Annie, this word is FOR YOU"

"Annie, I have hemmed you in (you are secure in me and always will be)

 "I created your children and they are perfect...Bella's frame was not hidden from me when I created her and planned her days WITH AUTISM before she came to be"

"When Bella wakes you up each night at 2am, I am with you..... every time"

I just had to share this as I feel like so many of us (myself included) forget that God's word is living and active.  We go about our days searching for things to fill us up with joy and find that nothing seems to quench our thirst.  If there is one thing I have learned as a parent of a child with life long disability, it is that God cannot be replaced.  WE CANNOT LOOK TO OUR SPOUSES, CHILDREN, OR CIRCUMSTANCES FOR LIFE GIVING JOY.  They will fail us a thousand times over.

Now, go fill yourself up in His Word.

Hugs.

Life-long Suffering & Refinement

It's been some of the hardest few months with autism that I can remember....ever.

Two moves full of change, four months of 3am wake-ups, self-harm (she has bruises from punching her own face), elopement, screaming, throwing, flailing, holes in walls, poop on floors, public outbursts, anxiety....the list could go on.  

My poor girl.  It's hard.

I hate saying it's hard for me though because I don't have autism.  I bet it's a million times harder for our Bella to exist with autism than it is for me to be her caregiver?  I am so often told, "Annie, I don't know how you do it?" and  I laugh inside when someone states this, because I utterly fail at motherhood ALL DAY LONG.  Truly, apart from God's endless amounts of mercy and grace, I would be a miserable human who would have to mask my stress through some form of unhealthy physical, mental, or emotional addiction.  It's in the statistics people, special needs parenting (or any other form of life-long or life-altering stress/ailment) can lead down some pretty dark paths. When you go down these dark paths you must find a source of light or  a way to "fill yourself up" so to speak.  So, I get secretly excited when someone gives me seemingly undo "mom-props"  because this is the moment I get share how weak I am and how strong God is! 

If I were to simply lay it out for someone who wanted to know where I find hope in suffering, I'd use the word refinement. I would immediately point to scripture and the way God is spoken of as the "refiners fire".  I would say His fire is painful and often soul shattering but it's worth it in the way it changes us.

John Piper lays it out nicely in speaking of God as a refiner....

"He is a refiner's fire, and that makes all the difference. A refiner's fire does not destroy indiscriminately like a forest fire. A refiner's fire does not consume completely like the fire of an incinerator. A refiner's fire refines. It purifies. It melts down the bar of silver or gold, separates out the impurities that ruin its value, burns them up, and leaves the silver and gold intact...The furnace of affliction in the family of God is always for refinement, never for destruction."

God sends trials to test us, cleanse us, and mold us, yet we are never fully consumed by such trials. His purpose is for His own glory and our delight.  I know that sounds harsh, but God is glorified in the life of a believer when, in the depths of despair they can call out praises to Him.  

I feel as though I am in a constant refinement in this life, and if refinement results in the purification of my heart and my imperfections as a mom, wife, friend, and child of God....then I consider myself extremely fortunate.  What would be truly unfortunate for me (knowing my weaknesses) would be living a life without refinement.  Sure, it would seem easier ...but it would also result in my pride and selfishness being allowed to ignite and flourish within me.  I would be so ugly inside.

In the last few months I have had these thoughts and God has swiftly spoken back to my heart:

"This is hard..."  God- Consider it pure joy that this trial points you to Me child.

"This is our life forever isn't it?"... God- I know the plans I have for you...plans to give you hope...

"Why is it so hard right now?"... God- The testing of your faith produces endurance...

"This will pass right?" God- I am with you always....

I know many of you reading this are struggling.  I know this because I have cried with you and prayed for you.  What I will say is this.....I genuinely hope you are experiencing God's refinement right now my friends ....because the result is a beautiful, soul-satisfying life in Christ.  Without God, finding hope in suffering is like using buckets to bail yourself out a boat with a gaping hole in it....sure there are moments where you feel like "I got this" but ultimately you are still sinking.

1 Peter 5:10

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to this eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you"

If you need Christ in your life or simply prayer, please let me know!  I suffer along side you friend.

In Christ,

Annie

**Note: as I was writing this, Bella escaped our home out front door in her undies (it's 30 degrees out) and tried to go inside a neighbors home (we don't know them and I'm certain they would be shocked by the sight of my half naked 9 year old at their door). Alas, I caught her, and all is well...** 

**and people wonder why I'm a tad cray-cray

** he, he

Clinging to Sinking Sand: Disability in the Hardest Moments

The other day I rubbed my eyes desperately as I realized that I was falling asleep on the mothering job:)  I was sitting down on the couch to quick eat my lunch and had dozed off in the sitting position. I wondered to myself "Why are you so exhausted?".  After all, I had lessons to plan for work, a house to clean, a three year old who wanted to play horsey, and in an hour I needed to pick up the other one.
Then I remembered (as if I had forced it out of thought), that I had been awoken for the fifth day in a row by our sweet Bella at 3 am.  Autism sleep patterns are hard.

...."What was that?" I think to myself..."No it can't be her?"
...."Maybe it was just a thump?"  Nope, she's awake....and it's 3 am again.  She pounds at her door to be opened because it is locked for her safety at night.  We lock it because she has escaped the home before and we couldn't sleep knowing what an escape could mean if we were asleep.

.... She is laughing hysterically, asking for her iPad.  She will not fall back to sleep no matter what I give her, I know that from years of this.....I give in, I let her have her iPad, and try to lay back down...but she tries to escape every half-hour until I finally open her door and sit with her (this is the usual scenario).  She's done this on and off since she was born (not sleeping), but some stretches are harder and longer than others.

A few nights ago,  I was so tired from the numerous days of waking up that I didn't hear her pounding.

I woke up panicked when she started kicking at her door and I sprinted sleeplessly to her room.  I walked in and she was laughing (as usual) but....something was different... it smelled terrible.  My heart sank as I looked at my feet and found poop all over the floor (in numerous locations).  She had pooped herself.  She wasn't embarrassed and she truly thought it was funny.   I looked at it and felt angry and sad all at the same time.  I raised my voice and asked her "Why would you do this?"....she responded by saying "iPad" and laughed again.  I'm angry....angry because she still wears diapers to sleep and she's eight.... angry because she has no understanding of self-care or that pooping on the floor is not normal.....angry because she's eight and cannot exist in the same way as a typical child.  Just so angry. But even more....I am so very sad. Sad that I failed to wake up for her.  Sad because she couldn't get out and I didn't help her. Sad because I can't fix autism.  It's vicious.... this guilt I carry as a special needs mom.

....I cried as I scrubbed the floor at 3 am trying not to wake my three year old or my husband with my sobs and gags from the smell.  "This is my life" I selfishly said to myself in my heart and...."so unfair".

It is amazing, however, how God can graciously correct my hearts perception.  If it seems like I speak about disability often, it's because God speaks to me through it.  He gave me this hymn as I tearfully existed this last week scrubbing fecal matter off the floor:

"My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus love and righteousness...
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus name.
On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand...
...all other ground is sinking sand."

This is a hymn written in 1834 which resounds in my heart today....

How dare I attempt to rely on anything but Christ as my rock.  Nothing this life has to offer (even the most beautiful things), can satisfy my thirsty soul.  When selfishness, sadness, and despair creep in and I am tempted to ask God why, He reminds me of the why.... and the answer is always..... for His glory.

God did not make a mistake with Bella.  He did not mess up.  He knew she was for us and that through her I would need more of Him.  For this I am desperately thankful.

He has graced me to be a special needs mom and continues to remind me that my child is a precious gift.  It's a beautiful and painful existence as a Christian special needs parent.  Beautiful, because the embodiment of Christ's love for us must exist between me and my daughter at all times.  In the way that I love her, Christ loves us despite our inability to reciprocate that love back to Him perfectly.... He understands our needs although we cannot express them.

....He is always present.
....He is sacrificial.
....He is selfless.
....His love never fails.
....He is my solid rock

I look at the way God loves me and desire to love Bella and others in this manner.  I am reminded that every "other thing" is sinking sand apart from Christ who is my rock:)

Matthew 7:24-27
24 “Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. 25 Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won’t collapse because it is built on bedrock. 26 But anyone who hears my teaching and doesn’t obey it is foolish, like a person who builds a house on sand. 27 When the rains and floods come and the winds beat against that house, it will collapse with a mighty crash.”

Motherhood & Grace

Motherhood...

...it's one of the most amazing experiences any human could ever have.  Only God could have dreamt up the miracle that is pregnancy.  He created us mom's with everything we need to sustain life within us, yet he also grants us the grace to nurture our little sinful humans outside the womb....physically, mentally, and spiritually... it's beautiful....and so, so very hard.  I believe this nurturing spirit is also present within those mommies who can't carry their own, and have adopted :)

Motherhood has blessed me in ways I cannot even put into words.  I've never loved anything more passionately than my children.  I would literally give my life for them, in fact I realized today that I truly do lay down my life (my wants, desires, needs) for my children.  It makes me look up and want to thank Christ for the way he laid down his life for me.  I want to love my kids like Christ loves me, every day.  It's so very hard to accomplish though, mostly because I feel that Satan tries to target us when we are down...when we are tired...when we fail and think we are inadequate.  He whispers, "You're no good at this"  OR  "Look at that mom, she has it together"

In fact, I feel like we moms fall into the "comparison trap" all the time. Here's a very real example that happened to me last week:

My sweet Bella has been regressing in anxiety and behaviors of late and become extremely physical and volatile.  If you look at her face you will see bruises from her hitting herself out of frustration.  I've prayed through tears that God would ease her pain and that I would have extra reserves of patience and love towards her in the mean time.  Well on Friday, after a morning of tantrums which left ME with actual marks on MY body, I tried to hold my chin up (like we moms do so often).  I packed lunches, cleaned the house for showing, did laundry, dressed my kids and myself, and headed to drop the first kid off.  When we arrived in Addie's class, her teacher had moved the classroom around (which was a change for Bella and meant she couldn't locate her favorite doll).  It was the big mother's day event that morning, so all of the preK moms were in the class waiting to watch the performance (many who I'd never met....who didn't know Bella has autism).  I saw a big meltdown coming over the room change and did my best to calm Bella so we could sneak off quietly...

...nope....
.....bookcases were overturned, toys flying in the air, screams, and kids getting hurt. EVERY SINGLE MOM was looking at me wondering why my 8 year old was acting this way.  I finally calmed her down, got out of the room, and as I held back a tear whispered an apology to Addie's teacher (who had just cleaned the whole class to welcome the moms).  I was embarrassed, tired, I wanted to cry... but I didn't have time because Bella needed to get to school.  Well,  here's where the interesting mommy comparisons took place...

...while I was feeling frustrated, sad, and inadequate I pull up to Bella's school, drop her off and hear a mom say to her husband (as I walked away), "Look at her honey, she's the one I was talking about, she has it together and always looks nice, I could never be like her"

....I wanted to turn around and shake her sweet face and yell...

"NO! Don't get sucked into appearances fellow mommy! If you could walk in my shoes this morning....if you could see the scratch marks on my back from today's tantrum...if you could look into my hurting heart and see that it is by God's grace (and some lipstick) that I smile and seem "put together".  Just because I curled my hair today, doesn't mean my life is perfect or you want to be like me... believe me!"

I didn't say any of that but I wanted to.....

I drove back to Addie's school for her performance and asked God why?  Why do you allow motherhood to be hard? Why can't I seem to fix my kids?  God clearly heard me, because I walked into Addie's classroom and got pulled aside by a mom who went on and on to described how my calm interaction with Bella during "the bookcase episode" touched her heart.  She saw deeper beyond my red lipstick and appearances.   I was able to explain to her how any goodness (whatsoever ) that was within me as a mom ... flows from Christ!  I thanked her for sharing with me because it was a testimony of God hearing me ask "why".  It's as if he answered "This hardship is for my glory sweet child".

So today on Mother's Day, as my sweet husband is deployed and my girls play around the house, I thank God for using motherhood to teach me more about Him and his goodness and grace.

Ladies, lets give ourselves a break today.  Lets look beyond the pictures we see on Facebook or Instagram that seem so "perfect" and start digging deeper into ways we can reflect Christ to others through our struggle. I fail at this so often, but I know that God gave me my children on loan. He created them and loves them more than I ever could!

With love,

a mommy

He Makes All Things Beautiful

Have you ever prayed for fresh perspective, or what I would call "a refreshing from the Holy Spirit"? It's a prayer I pray often in life because for some reason, I need constant reminding.  I'm simply imperfect in the way I love others and more importantly, the way I love God.  I find myself begging God to allow his Spirit to fall afresh on my heart and incline it towards Him in all I do.  This spans all aspects of my life...family, friends, God, and even my children.  Sometimes we need a fresh perspective....a holy outlook...a new love for our spouses, a more patient and hopeful love towards our children, or even a more passionate love for God's word as we combat the hardships of life.

God allowed me a moment of perspective today on behalf of Bella.  He must have known I needed it. I've actually had a few dreams where I wake up with actual tears on my face from sleepy sorrows. In these "nightmares" I am in my 80's and Bella is in her 50's.  She still has autism and in a few of the dreams I am so old I cannot save her from escaping the house because I can't run.  Clearly I have an unhealthy fear of her future as I believe dreams weave deep into our subconscious.

The perspective for me came from a trip to the store.  As I'm walking the isles I hear a faint groaning. I immediately know what it is because my Bella makes those noises.  I know that it comes from someone with a disability.  Instead of gawking (as many do) I smile in my heart as I see a mother of a disabled adult boy sweetly holding his hand, guiding him through the isles.  He is humming and slobbering and I hear her singing along as she gently wipes the spit from his mouth.  I had to hold back the tears because God moved me just then.  He opened my eyes to see the beauty between that mother and her disabled adult/child.  He wanted to show me it would be ok....because God gave me a unique gift, Bella.  I walked out of the store and my soul was filled as God proclaimed: "I am Bella's God and your life will be more beautiful because of her".  At that moment I honestly felt jealous of the mother and wished I had Bella at my side....instead of dreading another embarrassing outing where she screams or tantrums....I was being refreshed and reminded, God is so good and her presence is soul filling for me.  I came home, gave Bella a hug and as I looked on the wall I noticed a verse I have hanging....

Ecclesiastes 3:11 "He has made everything beautiful in its time..."

My life as a special needs mother is a beautiful journey, not because it's easy.... but because God has a plan.  He is making everything beautiful each day. He is refreshing my heart each minute and turning it towards His ways.  If you are reading this and your heart is empty towards Christ, ask him for refreshment.  He has a plan...his timing is not ours...he makes all things beautiful, even the hard things.

Annie