Two moves full of change, four months of 3am wake-ups, self-harm (she has bruises from punching her own face), elopement, screaming, throwing, flailing, holes in walls, poop on floors, public outbursts, anxiety....the list could go on.
My poor girl. It's hard.
I hate saying it's hard for me though because I don't have autism. I bet it's a million times harder for our Bella to exist with autism than it is for me to be her caregiver? I am so often told, "Annie, I don't know how you do it?" and I laugh inside when someone states this, because I utterly fail at motherhood ALL DAY LONG. Truly, apart from God's endless amounts of mercy and grace, I would be a miserable human who would have to mask my stress through some form of unhealthy physical, mental, or emotional addiction. It's in the statistics people, special needs parenting (or any other form of life-long or life-altering stress/ailment) can lead down some pretty dark paths. When you go down these dark paths you must find a source of light or a way to "fill yourself up" so to speak. So, I get secretly excited when someone gives me seemingly undo "mom-props" because this is the moment I get share how weak I am and how strong God is!
If I were to simply lay it out for someone who wanted to know where I find hope in suffering, I'd use the word refinement. I would immediately point to scripture and the way God is spoken of as the "refiners fire". I would say His fire is painful and often soul shattering but it's worth it in the way it changes us.
John Piper lays it out nicely in speaking of God as a refiner....
"He is a refiner's fire, and that makes all the difference. A refiner's fire does not destroy indiscriminately like a forest fire. A refiner's fire does not consume completely like the fire of an incinerator. A refiner's fire refines. It purifies. It melts down the bar of silver or gold, separates out the impurities that ruin its value, burns them up, and leaves the silver and gold intact...The furnace of affliction in the family of God is always for refinement, never for destruction."
God sends trials to test us, cleanse us, and mold us, yet we are never fully consumed by such trials. His purpose is for His own glory and our delight. I know that sounds harsh, but God is glorified in the life of a believer when, in the depths of despair they can call out praises to Him.
I feel as though I am in a constant refinement in this life, and if refinement results in the purification of my heart and my imperfections as a mom, wife, friend, and child of God....then I consider myself extremely fortunate. What would be truly unfortunate for me (knowing my weaknesses) would be living a life without refinement. Sure, it would seem easier ...but it would also result in my pride and selfishness being allowed to ignite and flourish within me. I would be so ugly inside.
In the last few months I have had these thoughts and God has swiftly spoken back to my heart:
"This is hard..." God- Consider it pure joy that this trial points you to Me child.
"This is our life forever isn't it?"... God- I know the plans I have for you...plans to give you hope...
"Why is it so hard right now?"... God- The testing of your faith produces endurance...
"This will pass right?" God- I am with you always....
I know many of you reading this are struggling. I know this because I have cried with you and prayed for you. What I will say is this.....I genuinely hope you are experiencing God's refinement right now my friends ....because the result is a beautiful, soul-satisfying life in Christ. Without God, finding hope in suffering is like using buckets to bail yourself out a boat with a gaping hole in it....sure there are moments where you feel like "I got this" but ultimately you are still sinking.
1 Peter 5:10
"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to this eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you"
If you need Christ in your life or simply prayer, please let me know! I suffer along side you friend.
In Christ,
Annie
**Note: as I was writing this, Bella escaped our home out front door in her undies (it's 30 degrees out) and tried to go inside a neighbors home (we don't know them and I'm certain they would be shocked by the sight of my half naked 9 year old at their door). Alas, I caught her, and all is well...**
**and people wonder why I'm a tad cray-cray
** he, he
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