...it's one of the most amazing experiences any human could ever have. Only God could have dreamt up the miracle that is pregnancy. He created us mom's with everything we need to sustain life within us, yet he also grants us the grace to nurture our little sinful humans outside the womb....physically, mentally, and spiritually... it's beautiful....and so, so very hard. I believe this nurturing spirit is also present within those mommies who can't carry their own, and have adopted :)
Motherhood has blessed me in ways I cannot even put into words. I've never loved anything more passionately than my children. I would literally give my life for them, in fact I realized today that I truly do lay down my life (my wants, desires, needs) for my children. It makes me look up and want to thank Christ for the way he laid down his life for me. I want to love my kids like Christ loves me, every day. It's so very hard to accomplish though, mostly because I feel that Satan tries to target us when we are down...when we are tired...when we fail and think we are inadequate. He whispers, "You're no good at this" OR "Look at that mom, she has it together"
In fact, I feel like we moms fall into the "comparison trap" all the time. Here's a very real example that happened to me last week:
My sweet Bella has been regressing in anxiety and behaviors of late and become extremely physical and volatile. If you look at her face you will see bruises from her hitting herself out of frustration. I've prayed through tears that God would ease her pain and that I would have extra reserves of patience and love towards her in the mean time. Well on Friday, after a morning of tantrums which left ME with actual marks on MY body, I tried to hold my chin up (like we moms do so often). I packed lunches, cleaned the house for showing, did laundry, dressed my kids and myself, and headed to drop the first kid off. When we arrived in Addie's class, her teacher had moved the classroom around (which was a change for Bella and meant she couldn't locate her favorite doll). It was the big mother's day event that morning, so all of the preK moms were in the class waiting to watch the performance (many who I'd never met....who didn't know Bella has autism). I saw a big meltdown coming over the room change and did my best to calm Bella so we could sneak off quietly...
...nope....
.....bookcases were overturned, toys flying in the air, screams, and kids getting hurt. EVERY SINGLE MOM was looking at me wondering why my 8 year old was acting this way. I finally calmed her down, got out of the room, and as I held back a tear whispered an apology to Addie's teacher (who had just cleaned the whole class to welcome the moms). I was embarrassed, tired, I wanted to cry... but I didn't have time because Bella needed to get to school. Well, here's where the interesting mommy comparisons took place...
...while I was feeling frustrated, sad, and inadequate I pull up to Bella's school, drop her off and hear a mom say to her husband (as I walked away), "Look at her honey, she's the one I was talking about, she has it together and always looks nice, I could never be like her"
....I wanted to turn around and shake her sweet face and yell...
"NO! Don't get sucked into appearances fellow mommy! If you could walk in my shoes this morning....if you could see the scratch marks on my back from today's tantrum...if you could look into my hurting heart and see that it is by God's grace (and some lipstick) that I smile and seem "put together". Just because I curled my hair today, doesn't mean my life is perfect or you want to be like me... believe me!"
I didn't say any of that but I wanted to.....
I drove back to Addie's school for her performance and asked God why? Why do you allow motherhood to be hard? Why can't I seem to fix my kids? God clearly heard me, because I walked into Addie's classroom and got pulled aside by a mom who went on and on to described how my calm interaction with Bella during "the bookcase episode" touched her heart. She saw deeper beyond my red lipstick and appearances. I was able to explain to her how any goodness (whatsoever ) that was within me as a mom ... flows from Christ! I thanked her for sharing with me because it was a testimony of God hearing me ask "why". It's as if he answered "This hardship is for my glory sweet child".
So today on Mother's Day, as my sweet husband is deployed and my girls play around the house, I thank God for using motherhood to teach me more about Him and his goodness and grace.
Ladies, lets give ourselves a break today. Lets look beyond the pictures we see on Facebook or Instagram that seem so "perfect" and start digging deeper into ways we can reflect Christ to others through our struggle. I fail at this so often, but I know that God gave me my children on loan. He created them and loves them more than I ever could!
With love,
a mommy
